I never thought that I’d have anything else to add, or write anything more about this. especially after having a seizure and with all of this medical stuff going on, I thought that  things were just the way they’d be. but I got a birthday present a day early…

Dawn PM’d me.

I really wasn’t expecting to hear from her ever again, but was shocked when I saw that she had liked one of my pics on FB.  It quickly disappeared, so she must have realized that she liked it by accident, and then undid it.

A few minutes later she sent me a PM request, and I was a bit hesitant to accept it at first.  I was worried that I was going to get bitched out for something I had said to a friend of her’s, and a last good deed I wanted to do for Dawn, but it wasn’t like that at all.

Thin Blue Line purse

I’m not going to go in to much detail, but it was very nice and brought a smile back to my face.  One that I hadn’t seen on myself in a few years.

In a nutshell, she pretty much confirmed what I had thought.  In the PM, both of us did way too much apologizing for things we should have just been able to talk about right from the start.  I wish that we had been able to have this chat years ago, a lot of misunderstanding and pain could have been avoided.  More importantly, we could have been friends.

we  “friended” each other on FB, which was nice.  I tried not to give a look at how she’d been doing, but couldn’t resist it.

Although I am kinda glad about how things have generally gone for Dawn, some of what she said in our PM, and what I gathered from looking at a few of her pics, led me to believe that she is making do.  😔

I sincerely hope that I have that wrong.  She deserves better and to be happy.

But who knows.  PMs and TXTs are horrible for understanding the tone of most conversations, and especially when it comes to feelings.  And you can’t always read things in pictures either.  What I did get from our PM, is that Dawn still doesn’t feel like she is worth an effort.  That’s just not true at all!  She is a great person, and really needs to start believing that she is.

now I say a lot of self-deprecating things as well, but I don’t get why she said some of the things she did regarding herself.  I really don’t understand why she thought I hated her, or why I shouldn’t like her.  I truly hope that she doesn’t feel that way, or believe any of it.

but the girl still knows how to push my buttons, and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t even realize it.  I re-read the PM a couple of times (OK, another lie. I’ve read it another 1,854 times before I HAD to delete it! lol), and I keep on stopping at “You definitely made me smile too” and “So is there any chance we’ll ever be friends?”.  it’s truly heartwarming to know, that I had made her smile too.  the asking if we could be friends, just melted my heart all over again.  and it is what I wanted more than anything else!

being friends on FB only lasted a day. there were other things going on in my life, and i didn’t want her dragged in to the chaos. i sent Dawn a PM telling her why i was unfriending her for now, and she seemed to understand.

i really hope she does, because i really do like her, and I always will.

 Dawn, thank you for the best birthday present I have ever received.

i wish that things were different.

I wish that she hadn’t overslept.  I was going to do my best to make sure she had a great time.  I wish that we could have done a few things together as friends. I wish that I could have made her feel important and know that someone just cared about her.  I wish that she would have had some good memories of me, to be able to look back on in the coming years.

I wish that she would have taken the time to come and have coffee with me, and chat about things while I was helping her put together the parts for her to do personalized G19 and G17 builds.

unfortunately, none of that happened 😦

But instead and without a word, she blocked me completely a week later, and I honestly don’t know why.

i seriously dont know what i did wrong. you said i could talk to you about anything, and i thought sharing the stuff about Pam, would show you that i would do anything for someone i cared about, even if it would hurt me. I also thought that sharing something this personal, would show you that I was serious about wanting to be friends.  

i’m sorry i made you upset, and for whatever it is that made you hate me all over again. I sincerely wanted to fix things with you, and for us to be friends.  i am so sorry for hurting you and for ruining everything, but i really don’t know what i did wrong 😪

after everything you said to me, and knowing how i feel about you, i can’t believe you did it like this. i really just wanted us to be ok.

you said that you would never hurt me, and then you did just that. you hurt me more than you will ever know 😪

i wanted you in my life for real…

She was probably still upset at me for what I did two years ago.  and in a way, I can’t really blame her.  this is going to sound stupid, but what I did was for her, and what I thought was best for her at the time.  I was sooooo in to Dawn, and pushing her away was incredibly hard for me to do.  I could have very easily let things play out, and treated her like someone I had no feelings for…

but I actually cared about the girl!  

I am so sick of losing people…

it’s too late to fix things properly.  it’s too late to make things right with anyone. there’s just not enough time left.

so this is how my story ends.


One thought on “Epilogue”

  1. Happy New Year, Dawn Emge Jansson. i am so sorry that this is the way things are going to be. i truly liked you, and only wanted what was best for you.

    i hated the idea of hurting you two years ago, but i didn’t know how else i could push you back to where you should have been.

    i hurt everyday because of what i did, but i really believed that it was the best for you and your sons.

    I really was trying to fix things between us. i don’t know what i did to upset you last week. if i had any idea that something would make you mad, i would not have done it.

    you shared some personal stuff with me, and i honestly thought that if i shared one of my most personal things with you, that you’d see i was serious about wanting to fix things and be friends with you.

    what happened with Pamela is the most painful thing i’ve ever gone through, and i don’t take sharing it with other people lightly. telling you about it is the closest thing i have to “making the big gesture”, and opening up the most vulnerable part of me for you to see.

    after everything you said to me the day before my birthday, and knowing how i feel about you, i can’t believe you cut ties again this way. 😪

    hopefully in the years to come you will begin to realize, that you really mattered to me.

    I really wanted to fix things and for us to be friends.



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