Recently a blogger read my posts, and sent me an email with her thoughts about it. One thing that she wrote that hit me particularly hard was:
“If you loved her as much as you say you do, the best thing you can do it write a letter of all the wonderful and brilliant things she brought to your life and say thank you and goodbye.”
Yeah, I NEVER said that I loved her in any of my posts. I really liked Dawn, was serious about her, and cared about her a bit more than she probably knew.
So that part being addressed, I think that the blogger made a valid point about:
“…write a letter of all the wonderful and brilliant things she brought to your life and say thank you and goodbye.”
I’ve already written that letter, and it’s being held on to by someone until it’s time to mail it. But here goes…
When I told you that I liked you and that I always would, I meant it. I’m starting to smile right now, just thinking about you while I am writing this.
I remember the day when I made some comment about the harness SY was wearing in court after her surgery, and how you smiled at me and touched my shoulder before you left the courtroom. I remember another day when you were in uniform and standing in the back of the courtroom smiling at me, and just how comfortable and ‘right’ it felt when I walked over and we started talking.
I remember just how much fun you had trying to tease me about your pink pillow, and how close you’d stand next to me every time you did. I remember you seeing me as I was walking to the garage one morning, and how you were trying to hide your smile, when I clearly saw how your whole face lit up when you saw me.
I remember the day when we were in the witness room, the huge smile you gave me, how you touched me, and just how excited you seemed about us hanging out together. I remember most of the texts that you sent me, and almost every one of them puts a really huge smile on my face.
I remember your reaction when I told you that “everything about this just feels nice”, and how what you said back to me touched my heart. I remember a different day when you told me that “everything you say just makes me smile”, and just how great those words made me feel, and the huge smile it put on my face.
Even though you looked incredibly sexy in “THAT PICTURE”, and it really made me want you, my favorite pic is the first one you sent to me. It’s the smile on you in that picture, that touched me inside. I very vividly remember just how absolutely amazing you look in my favorite outfit, and how you smiled at me every time I told you how great I thought you looked.
I remember that every time I was feeling down, that just seeing you made me start to smile. I remember how every time you saw me and started to smile at me, just how incredible you made me feel. I remember being in a courtroom full of people and the only face I could see, was yours with a huge smile and looking back at me.
I remember how you made me feel, and I smile.
This next part may sound sappy, but I don’t care. I think you should know this, and it should show you just how highly I really think of you.
I locked myself down really hard after what happened with Pam. For years I felt nothing, and no one else mattered to me. I never wanted to have feelings for anyone else ever again, and I didn’t want to get involved with anyone.
And then you wandered in to my life, and things started to change.
You started pulling me out of the dark, without even knowing about my past. You made me start to feel again, without knowing how numb I had been for years. You made me want to care about someone again, not knowing just how really lost I had become.
A number of people have tried to change things for me knowing what I had been through in the past, and none of it ever worked. You changed things for me, without knowing any of it.
You made me feel alive again, not knowing how long I had been dead inside.
And without any exaggeration, YOU made a huge difference in my life.
YOU made me smile again. No one else could have done that.
YOU are the only person I would have ever considered letting in again.
I hope that what I’ve written, shows you just how highly I really thought of you.
YOU are a really special person, and I will always have a large soft spot for you.
I know that life with you in it, would have been incredible.
Since this is my last chance to say it,
thank you for having been in my life.