The past couple of days were filled with a lot of mixed emotions, and I was kinda confused as to why.
I had written letters to both Dawn and to Pamela, both of which I sent to a family member to hold on to until I pass away, and then send to each of them. Each letter had a mix of comments, questions, statements on how I really felt about each of them (all positive).
The next day I was a real mess. I just felt a flood of feelings, and couldn’t tie them down to anything in particular. The following day I went out for a long ride on The Beast, and tried to get my head wrapped around what I was feeling and why. It was around mile 109 that it finally began to make sense.
I had written a letter to someone, who would have gone out of her way to stop me from getting hurt by Dawn. And then I had written a letter to someone, who had helped me to not hurt so much about Pam.
The circular irony is extraordinary.
This morning I’ve decided to put an end to this.
I got in the shower, and shaved off all of the facial hair I’ve been growing for the past 8 months. Got on the treadmill for the first time since early December, and did a 20 minute jog. After that I grabbed a big cup of coffee, and took the dogs out with me for a swim in my pool.
While sitting on the pool steps and sipping my coffee, Raider Bear swam over to me and started nuzzling in to me and wanting to be petted. Sasha saw that, and decided she wanted some too. I sat there for a few minutes petting both dogs, and just enjoying the sunshine.
Sasha eventually got distracted by one of the tennis balls that were being hit by the waterfall, and swam to get it. The Bear started to follow her, but then he turned around, sat down right next to me, and he started nuzzling me again.
I sat there and wondered just how much nicer it would be if this morning included “Her”.
I smiled, petted the Bear, and then put that man away forever.