The Bear, the pool, and “Her”

The past couple of days were filled with a lot of mixed emotions, and I was kinda confused as to why.

I had written letters to both Dawn and to Pamela, both of which I sent to a family member to hold on to until I pass away, and then send to each of them.  Each letter had a mix of comments, questions, statements on how I really felt about each of them (all positive).

The next day I was a real mess.  I just felt a flood of feelings, and couldn’t tie them down to anything in particular.  The following day I went out for a long ride on The Beast, and tried to get my head wrapped around what I was feeling and why.  It was around mile 109 that it finally began to make sense.

I had written a letter to someone, who would have gone out of her way to stop me from getting hurt by Dawn.  And then I had written a letter to someone, who had helped me to not hurt so much about Pam.

The circular irony is extraordinary.

This morning I’ve decided to put an end to this.

I got in the shower, and shaved off all of the facial hair I’ve been growing for the past 8 months.  Got on the treadmill for the first time since early December, and did a 20 minute jog. After that I grabbed a big cup of coffee, and took the dogs out with me for a swim in my pool.

Jul20036
My pool, minus the dogs…

While sitting on the pool steps and sipping my coffee, Raider Bear swam over to me and started nuzzling in to me and wanting to be petted.  Sasha saw that, and decided she wanted some too. I sat there for a few minutes petting both dogs, and just enjoying the sunshine.

Sasha eventually got distracted by one of the tennis balls that were being hit by the waterfall, and swam to get it. The Bear started to follow her, but then he turned around, sat down right next to me, and he started nuzzling me again.

Picture 058a
Raider Bear and Sasha Rose, waiting to go swimming

I sat there and wondered just how much nicer it would be if this morning included “Her”.

 

 

I smiled, petted the Bear, and then put that man away forever.

The Bear

 

 

 

 

 

 

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6 thoughts on “The Bear, the pool, and “Her””

  1. Looks like you’re still looking for a closure. We never get it. It’s never enough. Like looking for that one final magical sentence that could change something and erase the pain. Time heals. And hell, you at least got a great pool – and two awesome dogs! I’d love that.

    Remember that you can swim with every woman in that pool. They all look pretty similar. 😉

  2. Thank you. I have as much closure as I can expect.

    Unfortunately, her future is probably not going to be much different than her past.

    That’s sad, and why I tried so hard to see if I could change it. But you can’t save everyone, no matter how much I really wanted to.

    She used to mean something to me…

  3. Just remember that you can’t save anyone except yourself. It’s hard sometimes especially in regards to situations like this. I’ve tried to “save” some of my partners before, too. It never worked out. Sometimes they just want to get lost on their own.

  4. I know. I just have to remind myself that she no longer matters to me.

    Because if I can’t lie to myself, who can I lie to? 😉

    The truth is that she will always have a small piece of my heart, and I will always worry about her.

    No matter how much I probably shouldn’t…

  5. In all honesty for as bad as any of this may sound, I’m actually doing pretty well. Writing is a good release for me, and once I put things in writing, I am pretty much done with it.

    The only time I have any real hiccup, is when someone or something reminds me about it.

    And as luck would have it I seem to run into one particular coworker of her’s on a pretty regular basis. I don’t know how that person found out, but they have asked me each time if things have changed between her and me.

    Ya know, I probably should stop going to FredNeck…

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